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Standing in the Light

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Hey Guys…

It’s been a long time since you heard from me. This blog is going to be one of those where I ‘stand’ in front of you with my raw emotions exposed. Growing up I always was jealous of those kids who were going fishing with their fathers. Throwing the good ole pigskin around to each other in the backyard. I was jealous because those kids had fathers who wanted them, mine never did.

When I was little I would spend the weekend at his house where he didn’t pay attention to my needs as toddler. When my family relocated to Massachusetts, my father officially terminated his rights to me, but he still claimed my older sister. She often went back to see him in Iowa.

Fast forward… It was the week of finals, and I stopped at a gas station near my college. I walked in. There was a man was staring at me the entire time. I didn’t think anything of it, but later I found out he was my father. My father, at the time, was dying due to some medical problems, and when he saw me I guess he wanted to mend bridges.

Each time he tried to reach out to me, I shut him out even more. As the weeks passed, I wanted to meet him to get answers… but I got the phone call. I drove to the hospital partially to be there for my sister but mostly for me. When I got there he was already gone. It was just him and me. “Dad I hope you can hear me… I’m sorry. I should have visited you before this point.”

After I left the hospital, I discovered the party scene. I started to go to the clubs and then about a week later I got a phone call. “Your Uncle Bill isn’t going to make it…” Another funeral… More pain… I was slipping more and more. I partied more and more. I was dancing the pain away… or was I? The more I went out the less I felt I was dealing with these… “Your great aunt passed away a few days ago.” (I only met her once, and I did feel sad that she died. But I was sad mostly for my grandma. The only living family member left on her side of the family was her sister.)

I was at rock bottom, and I still went out… More and more. Then I was caught… Life has weird ways of working itself out… I was caught, and I’m dealing with the consequences of my actions… as much as it sucks… I am going to a Psychiatrist to work thru these problems, and I’m getting started on a depression medication.

For the longest time I thought admitting you suffer with depression meant you were weak. I was wrong. Sometimes you are so weak that even thinking about what tomorrow can bring dread and fear. Trust me… this blog took a lot of time to write and I feel you guys deserve to know what’s going on… There are going to be many more blogs to come. I’m starting to find my voice again.

Love you all soooo much!!!
Jake!

Oh and you thought I forgot something: Stay beautiful you little monsters. I leave you with a song that helped me when I was at my lowest.

“If you love me, don’t let go
Whoa, if you love me, don’t let go
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
‘Cause I’m a little unsteady
A little unsteady
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
‘Cause I’m a little unsteady
A little unsteady”


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